two is better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. if one falls down the other can help him up. – ecclesiastes 4:9-10
On nights like this the void in my life because of your absence echoes all the louder. I feel myself reaching to text you, longing just to hear your voice or hug you. Nights like this when I couldn’t sleep it seemed you never could either. Many a conversation were had during nights like this. Be it silly, deep, honest. You once told me you knew if you woke up in the middle of the night any night you could text me and I would most likely be awake. So sad but so true. I’ve never been much of a sleeper.
The darkness of night brings doubt, fear, insecurities, shame – things that are not of our God. We need a friend during those dark moments. I’m thankful for the nights God woke us up at the same time. I’m glad we could be that friend for each other at 1am, 3am or sometimes in the middle of the day. I needed you and I know you needed me, too. And boy did we need Jesus. I’m thankful you were always quick to point us back to him – especially in those dark moments.
Best Friends, Pals, and sisters of soul. That’s what we were. You were my person. I can still envision you laughing, hear your cute giggle and smell your scent. I’m grateful for every glass of wine shared, every secret you trusted me with, every prayer you said over me, every moment, every laugh.
But while the memories are comforting, the pain runs deep. I carry the loss with me. It’s a physical ache for you that lives in my back & shoulders. To me it represents the hole now permanently left in my heart. While the grief is tough to carry, I wear it like a badge of honor. For it means I loved you and you loved me, too. Some days the tears will come out of no where. I’ll hear a song you loved. I’ll be in a place where we share a memory. I’ll start to text you about something going on during the day. And the tears come. The ache in my back and shoulders twinges and I feel the loss of you come on all over again. I’m not sure when I will get better or be healed because a part of me is forever missing. Each day is different, but each day is without you. Each day you start to feel a bit more distant but the loss still feels fresh, deep and oh so real.
I miss my friend. I miss my crazy day-dreamer and encourager. You encouraged me to sing. You encouraged me to write. You encouraged me to speak up. We cheered for each other. Life blessed us with so many things to celebrate. And life blessed us with so much wine and havarti to celebrate with. Although you aren’t here to see it, I want to celebrate you through this blog. I’m not sure how many times you told me to do this. To be brave. To share with the world. But I was afraid.
“Let me know when I can post this on my Facebook.” You told me.
“No way.” I said, “What would people think of me then?!”
Although a small way to honor you, this blog will never do your life justice. You touched so many people. You loved and encouraged all you came in touch with. You treated every person as a divine appointment sent by God right into the living room of your life. You made people feel comfortable. They opened up to you. You loved them well.
Never have I known a person so genuine, so loving and selfless until I met you. Though I will never in this life understand why you were taken from me, from all of us, so soon I will forever be thankful for the years I knew you. For the wisdom you spoke into my life. For your friendship. For the laughs we shared. For the joy that I was given from simply being able to watch you live – so vibrant, so full and so honest.
So here I am stepping out to be brave. I hope you’re proud of me.